(1) Federal Tax: If your income was less than $3.75 in 2024 remit 15%. If it was greater than $3.75 but less than $39.99 multiply by 50%. If you made more than forty dollars send it.
(2) State Income Tax: For those of you living in most states cough up 12% of your “gross” pay to the state house. There is no state tax for residents of Texas and Wyoming which might explain why everyone is moving there.
(3) Sales Tax: In some states you will not be taxed on a loaf of bread. That is so that you will have sufficient energy to work and pay taxes. Other states will go ahead and charge a sales tax… for the loaf in their state capital. He already gets more bread than the bankrupt farmer who grew the wheat.
(4) Luxury Tax: This is to prevent you from doing anything that would detract from your ability to earn money to forward to the government. If you smoke…add 5%. If you drink alcohol….add 10%. And if you have sex add 15% in bed tax.
(5) Gas Tax: If you drive over 45 mph add ten percent. If you drive under 45 mph you can keep your federal tax money that was yours to begin with. Highway patrolmen and cars marked, “For Official Government Use Only”, are exempt from the tax and the speed limit. Gas Tax shall not be confused with the tax on your methane belching cows. You will find those charges listed under the all-new schedule C in the carbon credit section of your new climate-friendly and sustainable tax form.
(6) Corporate Tax: Television Church Conglomerates and non-profit foundations shall pay zero taxes. Bonafide exempt businesses shall be saved from the wrath of an IRS auditor if they tithe a third of what they make to the IRS. The IRS loves a cheerful giver.
(7) Self Employment Tax: Add 7% unless you are on food stamps or in Chapter Eleven.
(8) Property Tax: You shall be assessed one percent of the worth of your home in order that the Federal Government can maintain country club prisons to house federal judges, former dirty Congressmen, ex-United States Presidents. and their sons. (They need quiet and peaceful surroundings in which to write their memoirs they’ve already sold for twenty million dollars… tax free, of course.
(9) Schedule C. Miscellaneous permits and licenses for keeping dogs, building permits, business licenses and climate change penalties for breathing.
(10) Deductions: You may deduct the interest on your second home. This primarily applies to Congressmen who are the only people rich enough to have two homes.
Deductions for business meals shall be limited to 80% of their actual cost. Politicians getting fat at the public trough are exempt.
To compute your tax liability add lines 1 through 9 and subtract line 10 and divide by the square root of line 4. If your tax liability is greater than 100%… go directly to jail. Do not pass go. If your tax liability is less than 100% multiply the remainder by 50% and remit as Windfall Profits Tax (11).
Being deceased does not exclude you from filing. If deceased, remit whatever is left over as Estate Tax (12).
Send this form along with your money in a self stamped envelope to the IRS. That is unless you are a Congressman. Then you can mail it for free.
