A plump television reporter sets up his camera
In the Gargantuan Supermarket aisle,
As urban consumers crowd ‘round to get selfies
And videos for their Facebook files.
He says “I’m here to let you speak your piece
About the American food supply,
So open up your minds and mouths
Tell me your opinions about farmers and why.”
A well-fed realty tycoon in a pinstriped suit
Steps up and crosses his arms,
“We’re wasting our taxes on a worthless cause
Keeping farmers on their farms.
“I say ‘Who needs the farmers?”
I’m tired of spendin’ my tax dollars on ‘em.
Besides, their farms are just a’takin’ up space,
That would be better in condominiums.’”
A robust co-ed in fake-holes blue jeans
Says “Who needs hog farmers anymore?
Why, we can get the ham and bacon we need,
Right here in this overstocked store.”
A portly matron in a PETA hat
Says “I oppose animal blood and pain.
I’m fighting for animal rights, these days.
I get my beef pain-free these days and wrapped in cellophane.”
A hollow-eyed vegetarian tells
The microphone thrust in her face,
“Who needs the American farmer? I get
Fruit & veggies from the produce case.”
“That’s right, who cares about farmers?”
A tattooed old hippie says to the man.
“I get my corn and tomatoes
Right straight from a number eight can.”
“And, why do we need dairy cows?” he adds
“They heat the Earth with methane gas.
And I can get all the cheese that I need
Named Velveeta and it comes from Kraft.
A rotund woman in a red bandana
Speaking loudly and looking needy.
Says “Who cares if farmers go down any more?
It’s Labron James who brings me Wheaties.”
A glassy-eyed environmental activist hollers,
“I think the world is savable.
Now that all our food’s pre-cooked,
Shrink-wrapped and microwavable.
A heavy-set food blogger takes front and center
And declares, “I’ve discovered a truth!
The only way to get pesticides out of our food
Is to soak and cook it all in vermouth.”
A sallow-faced activist in an old sweatshirt
Emblazoned with “I oppose GMOs.”
Says, “Farmer’s are intentionally poisoning our food
From our heads right down to our toes.”
A Nike-clad jock with a diamond stud ring
Grabs the mike and speaks right up.
“Who needs farmers anyway,
As long as there’s a the Pizza Hut?”
And his millennial buddy with an over-hang belly
Grins and says, “You know, I think he’s right.
I’ve never seen a farmer yet
Who can grow a cold Bud-Lite.”
His stout girlfriend comes out of “The Spirits Shop”
And her opinion fits with the others.
She says, “The only farmers I care about,
Are Jack Daniels and the Gallo Brothers.”
A blue collar mechanic walks up to the camera
And says, “Farmers are obsolete.
It’s the Schwann’s man who delivers my food,
Right on time and every week.”
Some welfare mothers take front and center,
And chant, “Don’t give farmers a cent.
We sure don’t need them any more.
SNAP food apps come from the government.”
A well-fed banker, accountant, a car salesman, too,
Declare farms are a waste of space.
Just taking up land that is needed lots more
In recreational parks and lakes.
To a soul they agreed, that in this day and age.
Farmers are needed no more.
And should just go away and quietly fade
Into history like extinct dinosaurs.
But, here’s what they don’t know. If the farmers all go,
And decide to quit trying to fight it.
Their cupboards will be spare and their fridges bare
And they can try enjoying a No-Food Diet.
To a soul they agreed, that in this day and age.
Farmers are needed no more.
And should just go away and quietly fade
Into history like extinct dinosaurs.
But, here’s what they don’t know. If the farmers all go,
And decide to quit trying to fight it.
Their cupboards will be spare and their fridges bare
And they can try enjoying a No-Food Diet.
