In last week’s long column, my good buddy, ol’ Moon Beamer from Nebraska, recounted he and his friends’ escapade from school and subsequent punishment.
Due to the length of his story, I put off using a portion of his story until this week. What follows is a brief description of some of the orneriness of Moon and his buddies during the school day. Heaven forbid what would happen to similarly rambunctious high school boys if they pulled similar pranks in today’s school environment. They’d be expelled or arrested.
Here’s a slightly reworded account of the shenanigans pulled off in school by Moon and his friends.
Two of his buddies, Hog and Weiner, passed the time away in the school shop having belt sander races. Using electrical tape on the belt sanders’ power buttons, and using 50-foot extension cords, the boys “sprint raced” Porter Cable and Bosch sanders across the shop floor. Of course, the races were wagering events among the boys in the shop.
Another stunt, and a dangerous one, I might add, took place using the table saw. Moon’s buddy, Crazy Jake, dropped wood chisels on the running table saw blades in an attempt to stick the chisels in the shop’s dry wall. Moon didn’t say if anyone got injured.
And, Moon recalls when the boys locked a big ol’ possum in Carp’s locker over the weekend. He opined, “Who knew a possum could poop that much over a weekend?”
And probably the best stunt was learning the code word the janitor kept to alert the radio station in Ogallala if school was closing for weather or boiler problems. On one occasion, the boys wanted out of school and went to all of the effort to get a case of white shoe polish and painted white polka dots on the brick exterior of the high school. Then one of the boys lowered his voice, dialed KOGA, and reported (complete with correct password) that the school needed to be closed that Friday because “the school had broken out with measles.” Such was life back in a little town.
Ah, yes, indeed. My only question is, who hired the shop teacher? The whole lot of Moon’s stories brought to my mind a favorite bumper sticker I saw recently. It said, “I miss the world I grew up in.” Amen!
***
My thanks to a kindly reader for this humorous story.
An elderly minister, speaking to the recently-hired young associate minister, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”
The young minister nodded appreciatively, and the old minister continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you,” answered the young minister. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly minister, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru religious counseling parking space in the parking lot, with its offering box beside it.”
“But, sir,” protested the young priest, “People come at all hours of the day and night for counseling and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly minister,” and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign saying, ‘Toot’n Tell, Give or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”
***
An engineer, a psychologist, and a pious farmer were hunting in the northern wilderness. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm began. Fortunately they came across an empty isolated cabin.
It was a simple place — one room with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the large, potbellied, cast-iron stove. Strangely, it was suspended midair by wires attached to ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he is distributing heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
“With all due respect,” interrupted the pious farmer, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. “Fire lifted up” is a religious saying that I learned in bible study class.
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct: “Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”
***
That little hunting story prompts me to say that life is good. Venison is in the freezer for the winter. Didn’t freeze my behind off either because the weather’s been warm. I’ll close with Teddy Roosevelt’s wise words about hunting: “In a civilized and cultivated country wild animals only continue to exist at all when preserved by sportsmen.” Have a good ‘un.
