My New Mexico friend, ol’ Albie Kirky, extended his stay in the Flint Hills another week and we got in some more good fishing and conversations about the “good ol’ days” when we both had far more energy and physical fitness than we possess these days.
Fishing as much as we have on this trip allowed us to see a couple of unusual things in nature. Albie threw a small trash fish on the bank and watched a small water snake try to engulf it. It turned out the snake bit off more than it could swallow.
Not so for the snapping turtles. We had a constant battle with those fish-loving predators trying, and sometimes succeeding, in eating fish on our stringers and the bait on our fishing lines. It proved to be a fatal mistake for quite a few. One big snapper was so stubborn that he stayed clamped on to a fish on our stringer while we fetched a pistol and put an end to his thievery.
Albie’s heading for Texas to see family and friends in a few days and I’ll miss him when he leaves. Good friends like him are amongst the treasures of a lifetime.
***
Speaking of retirees and old age infirmities, those are what prompted my buddy Canby Handy to send me this list of 20 things to think about with a retired person’s perspective.
- I’m not advocating “whupping up” on all the stupid people in the world. Let’s just remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
- I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
- Dear paranoid people, what’s your plan if you find someone behind your shower curtains?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
- The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
- I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me here.
- I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
13 I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
- The most precious thing is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
- If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
- Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
- Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
- Don’t argue with idiots. Folks may not be able to tell who’s who.
- Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Why is it that kids can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I think I could add to that list, but I don’t want to waste the brainpower.
***
I wuz running the TV remote the other day and stopped to watch a rerun of an old Andy Griffith Show. I’d about forgotten how much good, clean entertainment that show provided and why there aren’t such shows on TV today?
However, after I’d watched the show, it dawned on me why Mayberry wuz so peaceful and quiet — nobody wuz married.
Amongst the single people on that show were Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara.
In fact, if I recall right, the only one married was Otis and he stayed drunk all the time.
***
Let’s not get off this old age, nostalgic theme we’re on. My friend Mocephus e-mailed me this treasure: He said during a recent physical exam at his doctor, he asked the Doc, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”
The Doc replied, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”
Mo replied, “Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No,” his Doc replied. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want me to reserve you a bed near the window?”
Enuf of this drivel. Have a good ‘un.
