My brain has been in slow motion this week, so thankfully some thoughtful and generous readers pitched and e-mailed funny, rural stories for me to include in this column. Here’s the first:
Three guys show up for a job interview at a short-line agricultural manufacturing company. Naturally, they all have to interview one after the other with the company’s human resource director — all at the same office.
The first guy goes in for his interview and the HR director asks, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?”
The guy says, “That’s not too hard. You’ve got no ears.”
The HR director says, “That’s it. Get out. I don’t want to see you in this office again — ever!”
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. He replies, “Uh, that’s easy. You’ve got no ears.”
The HR director throws an equal fit and then he throws the applicant out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company.
As the second guy is leaving, he gives a heads-up to the third guy — who is a young farmer looking for supplemental work. The second applicant warns the young farmer, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s really touchy-touchy with the ear thing.”
“Okay, thanks” the young farmers says on his way into the HR office. Once inside he is asked, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”
The young farmer answers, “That’s easy. You wear contacts lenses.”
The HR director is flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?” he asks. “You are the most perceptive person I’ve seen in a while.”
“What?” the young farmer replies. “It was easy. You can’t wear glasses. You’ve got no ears!”
***
Here’s the second: A big, burly college freshman, who’d graduated from a tiny boondocks rural school, decided he wanted to play college football. So he showed up as as an aspiring walk-on at the first fall practice.
The coach took one look at the physical specimen who had walked into his life and decided to give the kid a chance. Much to his surprise, the walk-on was faster and stronger and tops in the agility drills, better than any player in the team, but he had a problem learning the intricate playbook the coach was using.
At the team’s only fall practice open to the media, a local sportswriter noticed the big, burly freshman who was manhandling any player lined up against him.
After the practice, the media guy asks the coach. “How’s that big, burly freshman turning out?
The coach replies, “He’s been great on the practice field so far. He will be an impact player, if he ever learns the play book.”
“Well, how’s his academic progress going?” the writer persisted.
The coach replied, “Why, he makes straight A’s, but his darn B’s are still a little crooked.”
***
Here’s the third: Years ago, there was a serious accident at a railroad crossing between a steam engine locomotive and a rural pickup truck with a farmer and a stocktrailer load of cattle.
Months later all parties to the accident were in court to settle the legal liability matter. The railroad lawyer insisted the train company had done nothing wrong. The farmer claimed the train gave no warning before the crash.
The train engineer insisted that he’d given the pickup driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even demonstrated how he’d wildly swung the lantern for the judge and jury.
Unfortunately for the farmer, the jury believed the engineer and the case was dismissed.
Congratulating his client, the railroad attorney said, ”You did very well under the cross-examination.”
“Thanks, but he really had me worried,” said the engineer.
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“I was afraid he was going to asked if I had the danged thing lit.”
***
My ol’ New Mexico buddy, Albie Kirky, and his son came for a fishing visit early this week. The plan wuz to fish for three days. The first day went OK and we caught some fish. But, sadly, Albie wore himself out the first day and had to recoup his energy the second day. They had to leave for his home on the third day. The best part of his trip wuz that he and I got to catch up on our visiting and storytelling.
***
From the mouth of a fifth-grader: “When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But, when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.”
***
Words of wisdom for the week: “The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction.” Have a good ‘un.
