For years we’ve been told by wolf-loving bureaucrats that wolves don’t attack people. So why did the Colorado Parks and Wildlife (CPW) publish a pamphlet prior to the reintroduction of wolves into Colorado on the best ways to avoid being attacked and eaten by the lovable creatures?
Some of the suggestions on how to avoid being assaulted include:
• CPW advises that when in wolf country make lots of noise so as to not surprise the wildlife. We’d recommend playing on your phone something really irritating and off-putting that might scare the wolves away. I’d advise a compilation of rap music, Paris Hilton’s debut album, the Greatest Hits of Crazy Al Yankovic, or you screaming at the top of your lungs. Of course the possibility also exists that all the caterwauling might actually attract wildlife, allowing them to zero in on your position and attack you just to turn down the volume, so to speak.
• Another recommendation from CWP is when you discover that 10 pair of scary yellow eyes are observing you is to “look big”. Of course CPW doesn’t give any ideas on how you are to add 200 pounds or grow six inches in three seconds but I have a few suggestions. I think every hiker or camper should wear six air bags so that when you hit a panic button your body balloons up so you look like a twelve foot tall Michelin Tire Man. On the other hand, you know what dogs like to do to tires and the possibility exists that wolves might do the same.
• When you realize that one or more wolves are sizing you up and counting calories, under no circumstances should you turn tail and run which might trigger what CPW calls a “chase response.” Instead you should keep eye contact with the wolf and back away as fast as your legs will carry you. Who knows, next time Colorado hosts an Olympic Games running backwards might be added to the list of Track and Field events.
• While Colorado Parks and Wildlife didn’t say so I think you should always go hiking or hunting with a partner who can’t run as fast as you can. Also, when your partner isn’t looking, spray all his or her clothes with a mist of A1 Steak Sauce or Worcestershire sauce.
• CPW also recommends that you carry a big stick, although I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with it. Maybe you could try hiding behind it.
• Your pets can also play a role in avoiding a wolf attack. CPW says you should never leave your pets alone. I agree and I think you should hold them tightly. That way when the wolf attacks you can sacrifice your pet by throwing it at the wolf and while they’re chowing down on your pooch you should be doing the running backwards thing we mentioned earlier.
• CPW advises that your should keep something between you and the wolf. I’d suggest it be a nine millimeter bullet. If you’re a wolf lover you might also try showing the wolf you’re I LOVE WOLVES button.
• CPW recommends that if you are attacked by wolves, something that will never happen of course, you should fight back and remain standing if you can. CPW says a wolfs’ underbelly and face are sensitive areas that can be a good place to strike. I’d suggest using a sharp twelve inch blade. Of course, that means you’ll spend the next 20 years incarcerated with rapists and murderers for killing an endangered species. In dealing with your fellow convicts we’d advise using the same tactics you would use when dealing with a wolf: never turn your back on them and look big. REAL BIG.
• Finally, CPW says that if you are attacked, something that could never happen (wink, wink), you should blow on your emergency whistle that you should carry with you at all times if you live in Colorado. This won’t help you any but it will help the CPW officials in confirming that a wolf may have attacked a human. Later it will help biologists when they are attaching radio collars to wolves if one of the wolves whistles Yankee Doodle Dandy when it breathes in and out that wolf was the one that probably killed you and therefore should be relocated to another state.
