Thank goodness for kindly readers coming to the rescue. When contemplating material for this week’s column, my old mind was coming up blank. Then, voila, I opened my email box and found the following humorous column from a reader in Saratoga, Wyoming. Here’s his story, slightly modified.
***
A well-weathered Wyoming cowboy, ol’ Tippit N. Wobble, had been out on a remote range camp for a week. When he came to town, he hit the liquor store and hit the liquid refreshments plenty hard.
Eventually, as the night wore on, he made his way to a bar and staggered into the establishment. He immediately hollered, “Hey, barkeep, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour one for yourself, and give me the bill.”
The barman does as ordered and everyone in the house drinks up, including himself, and gives the inebriated cowboy a cheer. But, when the barkeep gives the cowboy a bill for $105, the cowboy slurs back, “I haven’t got it! I’m just a poor ol’ cowboy.”
The irate barman slaps the cowboy aside his head and knocks off his filthy old Stetson. As the cowboy bends over to retrieve his hat, the barkeep boots him in the butt into the back alley.
The next night ol’ Tippit, stumbles into the same bar and slurs, “Hey, barkeep, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour one for yourself, and give me the bill.”
The barman figures this guy can’t be so dumb as to pull the same stunt twice, so he pours drinks for everyone, has one himself, and hands the drunk a bill for $136.50.
“I haven’t got it,” the drunk slobbers. I’m just a hired man.”
This time, the barkeep hits the roof and he flattens the drunken cowboy with one punch, hauls him off by his collar, and throws him out the front door into the gutter.
The very next night the same drunk again staggers into the bar and says, “Hey, barkeep, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill.”
“What,” the barkeep snarls in disgust, “No drink for me this time?”
“No,” ol’ Tippit replies. “You get violent when you drink.”
***
A cub reporter wuz hired by an agricultural radio station and his mentor impressed upon the kid the importance of keeping his copy short, crisp, and to stick to the bare facts.
Taking his instructions to heart, the kid’s first on-air segment went like this: “B. Brown of rural Madison looked back to see if he had time to get out of the corral before the Brahman bull caught him. He didn’t. Age, 51.”
***
Several farmers on a drizzly day were sitting drinking coffee, solving the world’s problems, and watching local goings-on through the window.
While they gazed through the window, the snooty and highfaluting local lawyer pulled up in a flashy little Jaguar sports car. As he got out of the car, a combine leaving a nearby ag repair shop hit the Jag’s open door, tore it off its hinges and rolled off without even slowing down. Of course, all the farmers ran out to see if the lawyer was OK.
“@$¢%ing farmers!” the lawyer cussed, shaking a fist at the fast-disappearing combine. “Reckless driving! Criminal negligence! This door will cost a fortune to replace! Who is that guy? If he doesn’t pay for this door, I’ll sue him for all he’s got!”
Hearing this ranting and raving, one of the farmers asked, “What is it with you lawyers? How can you be so shallow, so materialistic? Good Lord, man, don’t you even realize that the combine table ripped your arm off along with the door?”
“What?” the lawyer yelled. “That means he’s got my Rolex too!”
***
I was saddened a bit when I learned that my all-time favorite hardware store wuz reducing its hours and services, and is looking for a “perfect” buyer. Clark’s Hardware, in Strong City, KS, is owned by my friend, ol’ Nutson Boltz, and other members of his family.
They’ve operated the all-purpose hardware and farm supply and services business for 40 years. Clark’s is part of the lifeblood of Chase County. It’s a hardware store like those of my youth, good products and caring, personal service. But, after 40 years, it means it’s time for retirement.
The folks at Clark’s don’t know I’m writing this, but perhaps I can help them find new owners that can carry on the thriving business. Owning Clark’s would be a great opportunity for someone with drive, ambition, a willingness to work hard and carry on the store’s small-town tradition and good reputation.
***
If you are lucky enuf to live your life into your 80s, as I have, then you’ve weathered most of life’s ups and downs. The ups can come from anywhere, but the downs too often come from a few sources.
So, my words of wisdom for this week, boil down into an altered Philosophy of Life. Here it is: ”
“Any day that intersects in any meaningful way with the legal profession, the medical profession, the automotive industry, any airline, or any governmental entity (local, state, or national), will not be one of the best days of your life.”
Have a good ‘un.
