I’ll never understand the bovine brain. For example, cattle are absolutely afraid of a man on foot. At first sight of a human they will bound through the grass like a scared jackrabbit. And yet, put the same person on a horse and cattle are ready to make you part of their family. Why is a man on foot seen as dangerous to a cow but a man on horseback is less of a threat than a heel fly?
I guess you just have to think like a cow. Here is how a cow and her steer calf probably viewed a recent episode involving my wife and I.
“Uh, oh,” said the steer to his momma, “here comes a cowboy and he’s swinging a long loop.”
“Don’t be stupid my sterile steer. Even if he does manage to rope one of us what’s he gonna tie to? And look closely and you’ll see that he’s already hurting from those new cowboy boots he’s wearing. Wanna really have some fun child? Let’s run him over the rocks and through the brush a few times and it won’t take a half hour before he’s hurting from some nasty blisters. Oh watch, I really like this part. Now he’s getting in the pick-up with his wife and they are going to try to herd us with the truck.”
“Shouldn’t we run momma?” asked the trembling steer.
“Oh, this never works. You can’t herd cattle with a truck, too big a turning radius. I remember last year your half-brother and I ran them in circles so much that the truck blew a transmission and the cowboy and his wife yelled and cussed at each other so much they didn’t speak afterwards for three months. Rumor has it down at the water trough that episode darned near ended in divorce. I’ll tell you what,” said the cow to her calf, “let’s both run for the hidden gully as fast as we can.”
“But won’t the cowboy and his wife bounce up and hit their heads on the roof of the truck when they crash through the gully?”
“Now you are thinking, my child.”
“But what if they trap us?”
“Are you kidding? Have you taken a good look at these fences lately? Son, you can walk through them like they’re cobwebs. Now let’s go.”
“Boy, that was fun,” said the puffing steer after leading the truck around in circles. “But I think we are done for now. The cowboy is going to fetch his horse.”
“Don’t be silly son. On a horse he’s no threat at all.”
“But momma he’s swinging another rope and getting kinda too close for comfort,” said the steer preparing to run.
“No big deal. I’ve seen this guy try to rope before. He couldn’t rope a fence post from three feet away. The rope is just for looks. I’ll tell you what, let’s really have some fun. When the cowboy gets fairly close and thinks he has got you in his sights you run one way and I’ll run the other. Here they come, ready let’s go!”
“Momma, I don’t think I’ve never had this much fun in my life,” said the steer after running the cowboy’s horse ragged for an hour. “But I’ve never heard such cussing in all my life. Maybe we should let the cowboy and his horse rest. The horse is shaking like a willow and the cowboy looks like he might have a heart attack.”
“No such luck my child.”
“”Why didn’t the cowboy just get his horse in the first place momma?”
“Because lazy cowboys always think it’s too much trouble to go and catch a horse, saddle him and then ride out here just to doctor a cow or her calf. To gather cattle son you have to think like a cow and for most cowboys that means they really have to put their thinking caps on. This has been a good lesson for you son. You have just discovered the most undeveloped territory in the world… the space underneath a drugstore cowboy’s hat.”
