I can never thank my faithful readers enuf for their voluntary contributions to this weekly column. This story comes to me from North Platte, Nebraska.
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“Milo, a few months ago I was called up for jury duty and got a controversial case. A wealthy rancher claimed his gun went off by accident while he was cleaning it, killing his wife and his best friend who happened to be sleeping in his bedroom at the time.
“The charge against the rancher wuz murder in the first degree, punishable either by life imprisonment or lethal injection.
“After a few days of testimony, the prominent rancher’s lawyer approached me outside the courthouse and promised me $50,000 and a new F-350 if I would hold out for a lesser charge of manslaughter.
“Sure enough, after a tough and long deliberations, we 12 peers in the jury — after a full week — declared the rancher guilty of the lesser charge and the presiding judge sentenced him to only three years in prison.
“After the trial, the rancher’s lawyer approached me, slyly handed me a check for $50,000 and the keys to a shiny new F-350 and said, ‘You had me and the rancher pretty worried. When the jury was out for so long, I didn’t think you’d be able to pull it off.’
“I was pretty worried, too,” I said. “Everyone else wanted to acquit him.”
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And, from Stillwater, Oklahoma, comes this story:
“One afternoon my best friend and I were standing in the line at our bank to apply for farm operating loans when three armed robbers burst in.
“One demanded the cash from the tellers’ windows.
“The second bandit demanded the head loan officer to open the safe and the robber cleaned out the cash and a few safe deposit boxes.
“And, the third robber came down the customer lineup, taking everyone’s wallets, watches and other jewelry.
“Before they got to us, my friend quietly stuffed something in my coat pocket.
“What was that?’ I whispered.
“It’s the $50 I owe you from that IOU at our recent poker game,” he replied.”
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There wuz a clumsy farmer who wuz splitting firewood chunks and carelessly managed to trip over a chuck of wood and disable himself.
But, he managed to drag himself into his house, called 911 and said, “Hello. I need help, I believe I’ve broken my arm in two places. What should I do?”
The emergency operator replied, “Well, I certainly wouldn’t go back to either of those places.”
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Here’s a story that my departed pious friend, ol’ Saul M. Reeder, would appreciate.
A rural grandfather overheard his granddaughter repeating the alphabet in reverent, hushed tones.
“What are you doing?” the grandfather asked.
“I’m praying, Grandpa,” she said.
“But, it sounds to me like you are just repeating the letters of the alphabet quietly to yourself,” her grandpa responded.
“Well, I can’t think of the right words,” the granddaughter replied, “So I just say all the letters. God will put them together for me ’cause He knows what I’m thinking.”
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An elderly, and a bit forgetful, cattleman hired a new ranch hand. It wuz his first out-of-family labor he’d ever hired.
On the first day, the rancher showed the new hire into the tiny bunkhouse attached to the barn. And the rancher then instructed the new hire that he could expect long days that started early in the mornings.
He then gave the new hire an old alarm clock and left him in the bunkhouse with this final instruction, “I’ll expect to see you at 5 a.m. for breakfast. After that we’ll go over the day’s work that needs done.”
However, the first morning the alarm clock failed to ring and the newly-hired cowboy missed breakfast completely.
”Where were you at 5 a.m.?” the boss tersely asked his bleary-eyed new man.
“The alarm clock never rang,” the new-hire shot back.
“Oh, I meant to tell you about that,” the rancher said sheepishly. “Sometimes it doesn’t ring ’cause it’s stuck. Then you’ve got to shake it a bit. Now, remember, if it don’t ring by 5 minutes past 5 tomorrow morning, give ‘er a good shake and it’ll ring just fine.”
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Stumping question for this week: “Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 50-cents?”
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Words of wisdom for the week: “There is no opinion so absurd but that some philosopher will express it.” Cicero
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Hope you having great pre-spring weather. Have a good ‘un.
