When I was a kid, I owned a big ole’ jumbo prehistoric aluminum canoe that looked like it would have been more at home on four big tires and pushing a snowplow. Its saving grace was that it was also extra stable on the water. One particular evening my brother-in-law and I were anchored in the middle of dad’s farm pond, fishing. A boat anchor on one end and a big steel ball for an anchor on the other kept the thing from twirling around in the wind. We had multiple tackle boxes open on the seats, I guess to give the appearance that we were big-time contenders on the professional farm-pond bluegill circuit. Anyway, as it was getting dark, we pulled anchor to paddle toward shore. My anchor came up with no problems, but the steel ball on his end was stuck in the black, oozy mud bottom of the pond. Wrapping the rope around his hands a couple times, he leaned backwards to dislodge the steel ball. He was built like a dump truck and when the ball came free, he hit the other side of the canoe like a rodeo bull out of the chute, causing ole’ jumbo to do the unthinkable and dump us both into the drink. There we were, bobbing around in the middle of an absolute flotilla of fishing lures; some floating and some sinking slowly toward the bottom, but all sporting at least three razor-sharp hooks. Now, Katie Ledecky could swim the length of dad’s pond as easily as the rest of us could walk across the kitchen, but how about swimming it through a scum of floating fishing lures.
Welcome to the first event in the 2024 Farm Pond Olympics, the freestyle lure swim. The swimmers can choose their stroke, but they have to stay on top of the water. We’ll divide the pond into lanes with bailer twine tied to electric fence posts on each side of the pond. All shapes and sizes of floating fishing lures will be scattered over each lane beforehand, and at the crack of the starter’s pistol, the swimmers simply swim to the other side of the pond as quickly as possible. The event can be scored a variety of ways; most lures on their body, fewest lures on their body or certain lures could be given a point value and the winner would be the swimmer with the most points when the point value of the lures clinging to their body is tallied. The event could be made even more life-like by unceremoniously flinging each swimmer from a sinking canoe to start the race.
The diving board at dad’s pond was an old steel frame with a big old barn plank for a board. We welded the frame from stuff dug out of the usual farmer’s scrap pile and carried it to the pond with the tractor and loader. It was on the dam, so the frame was made to be as tall as the dam. One end of the old barn plank lay across the steel frame and hung out over the water and the other end rested on top of the dam and was held there with a huge rock. It did little good to bounce on the board when diving because the old plank had zero spring to it. I remember going to a nice swimming pool once with the church youth group and running out onto the diving board and pouncing on it like I did at the pond. The thing flung me so high I had a nose bleed when I hit the water! I once watched my buddy Ralph bounce off the end of the board as usual,
then looked-on as the plank followed him end-over-end into the pond cause’ the rock had somehow gotten moved. Anyway, the next event in the Farm Pond Olympics would be farm pond diving. The degree of difficulty will always be high no matter what dive they choose, and the chunkier divers will have a definite advantage in the event. We’ll probably have to employ an extra person at the judges table to keep an eye on the rock.
Dads pond was chock full of pesky little bluegills and each tiny one we caught found its way into the nearby fencerow as a way to weed them out of the pond. We found out that smacking them with a canoe paddle was a pretty novel and effective way to get them to the fencerow, so the third event in the Farm Pond Olympics would be bluegill batting. The event will be divided into two categories; land batting in which each contestant will bat his or her bluegill from the bank, and water batting where the batting will take place from a canoe. The batters can choose to have their bluegills pitched to them or they can choose the freestyle delivery where they throw it up in the air themselves before whacking it. Winners will be chosen for both longest distance and for highest flight, and naturally canoe paddles will be provided so that no one has an unfair advantage.
I’ve made my pitch to the International Olympic Committee, but I’m not yet sure if this Farm Pond Olympic thing will catch on. I figure we have ranch rodeos so why not Farm Pond Olympics. Any way, if the 2024 Farm Pond Olympics become a reality, I’ll be available to coach bluegill batting…Continue to Explore Kansas Outdoors!
Steve can be contacted by email at [email protected].
