There are great life lessons to be learned at the Kansas State Fair. For example, knee-high socks of any color, but especially black, DO NOT go with shorts, if you’re not ready to purchase the last mop, set of cook ware or garden-hose nozzle you’ll ever need, DO NOT go through the vender’s buildings, and if your hair doesn’t need fixing or your tennis shoes or glasses need cleaning, avoid the afore mentioned buildings also. And where else but the state fair can you find racing pigs, campers costing more than my house, a guy selling Ecuadorian pan flutes, a chain saw sculpture, hot tubs, mattresses and water softeners all within a stone’s throw of each other. Beneath the grandstand, you’ll find sewing machines sold next to a Chinese massager parlor, and more yard art than you can imagine, including metal sunflowers, tornados fashioned from barbed-wire, dogs made from railroad spikes, frogs made from rebar and bugs built from assorted nuts and bolts with toilet tank floats for abdomens. Then on to the dark and forbidden midway, aptly named because its “midway” between you and your wallet, where shadowy hucksters await behind every tent flap. Here you could throw balls or bat balls, throw darts or throw rings, shoot rifles or shoot baskets, to win anything from framed pictures of Dale Earnhardt and Sponge Bob, to a three-foot stuffed Garfield or a huge inflatable dolphin. And of course, there is the absolute plethora of fair food, where you can find anything imaginable deep fried and / or put on a stick.
A great piece of advice from Jeff Foxworthy is “If you’re going somewhere alone, don’t wear a T shirt that says “I’m Here with Stupid.” I love reading T shirts people are wearing and boy-howdy, there’s no better place to do that than at a state fair. Here, in no particular order are my favorite T shirt captions seen at this year’s state fair;
• The Only Thing that Should Come Between a Hunter and His Meat is Bread
• 9 out of 10 Bears Surveyed Prefer Campers over S’mores
• I Believe Every Form of Wildlife has its Place; Right next to the Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
• You’ve Read My T Shirt, that’s Enough Social Interaction for Today
• I Love My Country, it’s My Government that Scares Me
• Your Political Correctness Offends Me
• (This appeared with a picture of a Harley Chopper motorcycle ridden by a skeleton and is possibly my favorite.) Sons of Arthritis, Ibuprofen Chapter
• WORN BY ADULTS WHO PROBABLY ALWAYS SAY WHAT THE REST OF US ARE THINKING:
• “Your IQ test came back negative”
• “I have multiple personalities and none of them like you”
• JUST FLAT-OUT FUNNY ONES:
• “I don’t suffer from stress, I’m a carrier”
• “My take home pay doesn’t take me home”
• “I have the right to remain silent; I just don’t have the ability”
• “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing”
• (written below the picture of a fish skeleton)- “Proud member of the Fillet-and-Release club”
• (written below a picture of a running whitetail buck) – “Eat more fast food”
As you’re reading this another Kansas State fair has come and gone, and along with it the smells, both good and bad, the horrendous traffic and the sea of humanity that floods Hutchinson, KS this time each year. Yup, there’s no better entertainment for this country boy than the state fair; fond memories, life lessons learned, fine dining and new fashion statements. Continue to Explore Kansas Outdoors!
Steve can be contacted by email at [email protected].
