Well aren’t I special? You are now reading the words of a free man, liberated after a year in lockdown. Yes, I have officially had both shots of Pfizer’s COVID vaccine and my wife has released me to go to the hardware store.
It didn’t take long to discover that we still have a BIG problem. No, the process of getting the shot was not traumatic and, in fact, for a government program it was a very efficient operation. No, the problem developed when I reentered society for the first time in a year.
I was in the nail and screw aisle of the hardware store, minding my own business and checking out the washers, when I was accosted by a pony-tailed, tie-dyed member of the Vaccination Police. In a loud voice he announced to the entire store, “YOU AREN’T WEARING A MASK!”
“How very observant of you,” I replied. “But I have had both shots of the vaccine!”
“But there’s still a 5% chance of you contracting COVID and spreading it to others!”
“And there’s a 95% chance of you being a busy-body jerk,” I replied. “And by the way, I’d appreciate it if you’d maintain proper social distancing instead of getting in my face because I can tell you had pizza with anchovies for lunch.”
“If you don’t put a mask on right now I’m going to report you to the manager.”
“Go ahead,” I said, “he’s right over there in light bulbs. He’s the bald guy not wearing a mask either because he got the shots the same time I did. By the way, have you been vaccinated?”
“Absolutely not.” the hippy-dippy dude said. “I am ‘vaccine apprehensive’. I don’t believe in them.”
“Well, when you get deathly ill I hope you’re given the Andrew Cuomo treatment, only instead of being thrown into a home full of healthy but vulnerable old folks I think you ought to be sent to both the Senate and House chambers and Congressperson’s offices where you might actually do some good.”
It became very clear to me at that point that we need to have some way to distinguish between the vac’s and non-vac’s the same way we do with cattle. Sure, I did get one of those little stickers that said, “I’ve been vaccinated” but it came off in the wash. And they could be easily counterfeited. I suppose the big black bruise on my upper arm is a sign of my vaccinated status but I’d have to wear a tank top for it to show and that’s not a good look for a guy named Pitts. Besides, they aren’t permanent as I’ve been told the bruises will go away in a couple months.
My first thought was we could hot-iron brand the vac’s on the forehead or cheek but that might lower the number of people getting the shots. Then from out of the blue I got a brilliant idea, as I often do. We should recruit cowboys who know how to give shots, tattoo and insert a brucellosis tag, and send them hither and yon to give the shots, tattoo the ears and insert the orange metal tag in the ear of the vac’s. I think it would be an acceptable solution because most males are wearing an earring or two in their ears these days and women have long worn earrings. Of course, the cowboys might have to hog-tie the victims and it should take place in a sound-proof room or the screams might also be a deterrent.
With everyone being identified we could then discriminate and shun the non-vac’s like they do at auction markets by not allowing the non-vac’s to be transported across state lines. We could open up all restaurants again and the vac’s could eat inside and the non-vacs would be forced outside in the rain, sleet, snow and flies. Instead of smoking and non-smoking sections we’d have vac and non-vac sections and anyone without an orange tag in their ear would be denied entrance to the grocery store. To entice non-vac’s to get the shot we could give coupons for 10% off at dollar stores that are filled with Chinese-made products, which appear to be the only stores that will survive the China virus.
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