I can’t believe it’s already beginning to feel like fall and it’s only mid-August in the Flint Hills. It’s been in the 60s in the mornings and fog has been lifting off our pond because the water’s cooler than the air. Next week it’s forecast with high temperatures near 80 degrees. I might just have to put my new fishing boat in the water for the first time.
***
Another sign that fall’s just around the corner is that the purple martins vamoosed their bird houses last week headed for points south. This year they arrived a few days later than usual and left a few days earlier than usual. The barn swallows, who have a nest under the soffit above our kitchen window now have the insects all to themselves until their fledglings mature.
It finally dried out enuf for me to put the tiller back on the tractor and get all the weeds tilled out of my gardens. I even hoed the weeds I couldn’t get with the tiller so now our gardens look way better then usual for August.
***
My Leander, Texas, friend, El Hefe, says he saw a T-shirt that he enjoyed. It read: “Every day, millions of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence! Eat Bacon.”
I’m doing my part to end that violence.
***
A friend of mine from Iowa says that in the last few months his life has become a lot more complicated. It seems that he has an identity crisis. Here’s his recap of his current identity situation:
“I was born a white male, which makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business..
“I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I am a Christian which makes me an infidel. I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police, the legal system, and the second amendment to the Constitution, which makes me a right-wing extremist clinging to my guns and my Bible.
“I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which makes me a greedy anti-socialist. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist. And, now my newest problem – I’m not sure which bathroom I should use.”
“It’s all rather confusing to me because I’ve tried to live my life as productive, respectful, tolerant, patriotic and friendly to everyone who is friendly to me.”
The social/political climate seems to validate my Iowa friend’s situation.
***
An old cowboy applied for work riding pens at a huge corporate cattle feedlot. His job interview was with the corporation’s human resources manager. Here’s how the very short job interview went:
HRM: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Rancher: “Honesty.”
HRM; “I don’t consider honesty as a weakness.”
Rancher: “I don’t give a hoot what you think!”
End of interview. No job.
***
For those few aggie golfers like me, I want to be the first to pass along to you a new, very important, rule in golf.
There will no longer be a penalty stoke for hitting a ball into the water or out of bounds following the recent FBI ruling about emails.
The USGA, the R&A and the PGA, after conferring with officials at the Justice Department, have put in place a new rule that your opponent must prove that you “intended” to hit the ball into these hazards in order for there to be a penalty.
Carelessness, ignorance or general golfing ineptness is not intent!
Thus the new “No intent-No penalty” stroke ruling will be known in the future as the FBI or “first ball inbounds” rule.
***
My Missouri friend, ol’ Jack Kuvall, tells me that the hunting season is right around the corner and I’d better start getting prepared. He says he owns an old Belgian 10-gauge double-barreled shotgun that shoots 3 1/2 inch shells heavily loaded with #4 shot and salt. He swears simply pulling the trigger on that heavy-duty shotgun kills everything in fount of it and cripples everything behind it. And, he says the salt in the shells keeps the meat from spoiling until he can get to it.”
Ol’ Jack’s a liar after my own heart.
***
I’ve changed my answering machine message on my phone. It now says:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
There’s wisdom on those words. So I’ll quit for the week. Have a good ‘un.
