I recently received this email from a old rodeo aficionado friend this morning.
“Milo, I have two tickets to the national finals rodeo next fall, but just realized I’m getting re-married that day and can’t go.”
“If you’re interested in going in my place, it’s at St. Paul’s church and her name is Gertrude.”
Now that’s a real rodeo fanatic.
***
A henpecked old farmer is driving home from the salebarn with his wife of 50-plus years beside him and he’s pulling a stock trailer with a couple of scrawny steers inside when he is pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy and the following conversation takes place:
Farmer: “What’s the problem officer?”
Deputy: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Farmer: “No, sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, don’t lie to the officer, Hiram. You were going 80.”
(Farmer gives his wife a dirty look.)
Deputy: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light on the trailer.”
Farmer: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Hiram, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks, but you said you didn’t have time to get it fixed.”
(Farmer gives his wife an extra dirty look.)
Deputy: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Farmer: “Oh, I always buckle up. I understand ‘Click it or ticket.’ I just took it off when you were walking up to the pickup.”
Wife: “Oh, Hiram, you never wear your seat belt. You say it is just another government intrusion in your life.”
Farmer: “Shut your mouth, woman! Right now!”
Deputy: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
***
Two old cowboys met each other for the first time in months at a local farm auction. When they got to visiting, one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Numen Pullem for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he too had gone to the very same dentist for new dentures two years before.
“Is that so?” asked the first old cowboy. “Did he do a good job?”
The second oldster replied, “Well, I was working a wild set of steers yesterday when I crowded one against the corral fence when he tried to go back on me. I turned him, but when I flicked him with my whip, he kicked and caught me square on the shin bone. It hurt so bad I thought the leg was broken.”
The first old cowboy was confused and asked, “What the heck does that have to do with your dentures?”
His buddy replied, “It was the first time in two years my teeth didn’t hurt.”
***
A medical doctor was addressing a large agricultural convention in Kansas City. He was part of a panel of experts discussing modern diets and agriculture’s role in them.
The doctor explained, “The material we put into our stomachs these days is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese and Mexican food is loaded with MSG and salt. Organic food too often contains e-coli. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old farmer in the front row raised his hand, and pronounced loudly, “Wedding Cake.”
***
A retirement age farm couple came into some nice money and had been dickering with the local car and truck dealership about the price of a loaded pickup truck with all the bells and whistles.
They’d left the salesman at the dealership to “think about it” overnight.”
When they returned the next day, just as they entered the salesman had closed the deal on the pickup they were interested in to a beautiful young woman.
“I thought you said you’d hold that pickup at the price we’d agreed on,” the farmer said to the salesman. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $10,000 less to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
That’s when the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. Enjoy yourselves, mom and dad.”
***
I just realized I too wuz once a male trapped inside a female’s body. Then I wuz born. That’s my wisdom for the week.
